--- RECAP ---
Thank you to all the amazing ladies that came out to Modern Love last week! Great to see a bunch of familiar faces and meet some new ladies!
Special thanks to our insightful, thoughtful and brilliant speaker, Janelle Althen! It would be impossible to capture all the knowledge and tips Janelle provided in a single email, but the key concepts are:
- One Person Can't Be a Village - Throughout history, our needs for love and care would be handled by different family and community members that lived in close proximity. Today, we don't have that same "tribe" and thus all our needs must be met by our partner. This is A LOT for any one person to provide.
- First We Love - The first task of human development is love. How your needs for love and care are met as an infant determines your attachment style throughout your life. This CAN be changed, but not without thought and effort.
- Attachment Comes in All Forms - Most adults fall into one of three styles--Secure/Functioning, Anxious/Avoidant, Ambivalent--based on how their needs were met as an infant. Learn your attachment style and your partner's.
- A Gesture Is Worth a Thousand Words - Attachment is founded on non-verbal communication and controlled by the limbic system in the brain. This is true for everyone, at every age.
- Conflict Is Good - It's healthy to have conflict in your relationships. In fact, couples with a great deal of conflict are less likely to divorce then couples that avoid it. To address conflict in a healthy manner, follow Relationship ABCs: attached - break - connect & repair.
- Don't Let Things Fester - After a conflict with your partner, focus on connecting and repairing within 24 hours. Lead with empathy, validation and humility, take ownership, be curious, not defensive.
- Be The Change - Changing how YOU respond to your partner can have a significant and positive impact on your relationship, even if your partner isn't willing/ready to work on themselves.
As promised, Janelle also provided a list of resources to help you better understand your attachment style and learn more about healthily connections:
R E A D
- Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin
- Wired for Dating, Stan Tatkin
- Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson
- Attached, Amir Levine
- Parenting from the Inside Out, Dan Seigel
- Woman on Fire, Amy Jo Goddard (not about attachment theory or modern love, a great book on women sexuality that Janelle recommended)
W A T C H
- Ed Tronick's Still Face experiment
Q U I Z
- Diane Pool Heller's Attachment Test
- Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Quiz
- New York Times "36 Questions on the Way to Love" Quiz
6 PM - cocktails and convo
7 PM - discussion and Q&A
Janelle Althen, LCSW has been both a practitioner and professor of the “neurobiology of love” as a Denver couple and family therapist for 23 years. She has a private practice and owns a psychotherapy business called Pass Center.
Janelle is a sought after speaker and teacher in the areas of attachment, trauma, and relationship therapy and has done many trainings with mental health centers, schools, the juvenile justice system, and therapists. She has also had the privilege of teaching graduate and post-graduate students at Denver Family Institute and the University of Denver for over 10 years.
When she is not doing therapy or teaching, Janelle enjoys spending time with her high school and college age kids and renovating houses with her husband.